Does anyone know that movie, We’re The Millers starring Jennifer Aniston, Jason Sudeikis, Emma Roberts, and Will Poulter? It was released just last year. That movie was probably the most I’ve laughed to. But recently, that all changed all thanks to some sick fuck who turned that movie into something more dreadful.
I remember seeing the movie with my sister in the movie theaters, I had to see it with her anyway since the movie was rated R and I’m 15. When I heard that the movie had an extended cut not seen in theaters, I was more excited. I bought the movie, watched it, and laughed even harder. But more recently, I was over my friend’s house when when I left his house, I walked by a convenient store that on the ground, had something that lit up that caught my attention. It was a DVD. I usually don’t care when I see stuff like this in my hometown, considering that I always see weird shit here. But something about this made bend over to pick it up. Almost as if some possessed force was telling me to.
I turned the disc over to see that it was We’re The Millers. I laughed in joy, but I also saw that in subtext, it said, “Extended Extended Cut.” I frowned upon this, considering the fact that, well, this looked like the real deal print like on my copy of it at home. I was impressed to see that there were no scratches or smudges or dirt or shit on it at all. Maybe it was just dropped just recently by someone who tried to ditch it. Weird.
Anyways, it had started to rain, so I hid the disc under my shirt, trying to avoid any damage to it, and ran home. When I got through the door, I saw my sister was eating watching TV. “Hey,” she said. “Where’ve you been?”
“Just got back from Cameron’s house,” I said.
“Cool,” she said.
I took out the disc and stuck it out for her to see. When she turned her head, she examined it, smiled, and said, “That was a really good movie,”
“Look at the subtext,”
She did.
“Extended EXTENDED Cut?” she questioned, taking the disc to get a better look. “That’s odd. It looks like it’s the real print of the real disc. What could this be?”
“I could say the same,” I said.
“When this is over, put that in the disc player and play it,” she said.
“Okay,” I said.
When her Pretty Little Liars ended, she asked me where I found the copy anyway. “Near the convenient store down the street,” I said.
“Okay,” she said. “Well, put it in, now that my show is over,”
I grabbed the disc, looked at it for a small second, then put it in our Blu-Ray player. The thing took a second to buffer. But when it finally did, it showed the Paramount Pictures stars fly around the mountain in a red color. I questioned it. I knew that We’re The Millers wasn’t distributed by Paramount Pictures, it was distributed by Warner Bros. So why did it show that here? Anyways, once the title menu came to, it showed a black screen where the title, We’re The Millers was shown. Below that were three options to choose from: Theatrical Version, Extended Version, and Extended Extended Version. I looked at my sister in an odd way like as if something weird was going on. I slowly selected the Extended Extended Version and the screen flashed a bit violently, then we heard a creepy, distorted-almost laugh. The screen turned black.
When the screen faded in, it automatically jumped right into the movie where it showed David, Rose, Casey, and Kenny in the van driving normally on the road. Kenny got up, held his private parts, and said, “Dad, I have to use the bathroom,”
David’s face got angry and said, “Shut the fuck up, Kenny,” Kenny then ran out of the room, crying. I noticed Rose was holding the bag of pot in her arms that was wrapped in the blanket from the scene where they had to find out a way to hide the pot from the Fitzgeralds when the it accidentally falls into her lap. I looked over to my sister who had a strange look on her face. Casey was on her iPhone texting someone when she randomly said, “Tyrone’s a pot baby,” Tyrone was the name of the pot they gave when the Fitzgeralds drove by. Probably a pun on the term, Pot Baby when a woman takes pot during pregnancy. I made a nervous laugh to this. Was I even supposed to laugh at this?
Rose took the pot out of the blanket and rolled a joint and passed one over to David. “Want a joint, too, Emma?” she asked Casey. What was weird was that Rose just called Casey Emma, the name of the girl who really plays Casey. So Jennifer just broke out of character. I just took it as blooper the producers forgot to edit out. Anyway, Casey accepted the weed and you could hear Kenny’s voice in the background yell, “Can I have one, too?”
The rest of the Millers all said at the exact same time, “No, Kenny,”
Kenny started sobbing again, this time more loudly. Then David decided he had had enough. He pulled over the van, unbuckled his seatbelt, walked into the back of the room Kenny was in, and slammed the door. We heard a small lock, followed by a terrifying bloodcurdling scream made by Kenny as if he was being tortured. My sister and I turned our heads to each other, exchanging shocked looks. This wasn’t the real We’re The Millers. No, this was something else. Something that someone was using to fuck with people. People whoever picked up the DVD. Such as myself. We thought about turning it off, but we kept watching.
Kenny’s screams of agony stopped when the door opened, David stepped through and had blood stains all over him. Rose and Casey didn’t even acknowledge it, not even a glance. Rose looked out the window and Casey was still texting someone. David sat down in the driver’s seat and began driving again. This scene of the three of them went on for a strong solid seven minutes. We didn’t stop the disc, didn’t turn away. Just sat there for seven minutes waiting for something to happen.
Finally, the Millers took a stop and Rose asked, “Why’re we stopping?”
“Because,” David said. “We need to get out. Now.” They all got out, leaving the camera where it was for two and a half minutes until we heard faint screaming from I don’t know who. Forty seconds, suddenly, completely out of the blue, Casey popped up from underneath, not making a sound, scaring the shit out of my sister and I. Casey pulled out a blade, placed it against her throat, and slowly slid it across her neck, slitting her throat. My sister’s reflexes made her jump and look away. I just sat there and watched because I didn’t mind it. Casey collapsed on the ground. Then the film cut to black and returned to the title screen, showing the title and three options.
My sister told me to check out the two other versions and so I did. But they were just regular theatrical and extended cut. Nothing out of place of those. When we tried the Extended Extended Version, it showed the same thing before: Kenny crying, his death, seven minutes of silence, Casey slitting her throat, and end. My sister looked like she wanted to throw up, but said, “Take the DVD out and hold onto it,”
“Okay,” I said, pressing the eject button. But when the tray opened, all that could be seen was the entire disc shattered into little pieces. I told my sister to check it out, but when I turned to her place on the couch, she was gone. “Amanda?” I yelled. I went into the kitchen and saw the bathroom light on with the door partially open. I thought she might have been doing her hair. I opened and said, “Hey, Amanda, when I opened the DVD tray, all I could see wa-” I stopped dead in my tracks and nearly vomited.
I saw my sister flat on the floor, covered in blood, not moving, with Jason Sudeikis standing right in front of her dead corpse with a butcher’s knife in his hand.